http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/ http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/images/stories/ucf-logo.gif http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/ http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/647-iced-buns-in-bangkok This has some wonderful characters in it and the dialogue is fantastic. I take it this is all true? I read the first paragraph and ended up reading the whole thing so you must be doing something right! I'm not sure the "hook" is big enough to sustain a travel book - but then again it's hard to comment as I haven't read the whole thing. ]]> carin meena Find a Writer 2009-10-15 10:35:35 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/647-iced-buns-in-bangkok I really enjoyed reading this and would love to see more. My only criticsm is that some of the sentence structire is a little clunky (but this is easily rectified). Good luck with it. ]]> jeff banks Find a Writer 2009-10-02 12:00:42 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/664-gods-checking-account I'm familiar with your book from another site, and another read through did not disappoint. You write with great insight, capturing character and atmosphere expertly. You manage to combine grittiness with descriptive interest in a way that leaves the reader wanting to learn more. Each chapter ending has an irresistible hook - pulling them into the next chapter. The subject matter is fascinating; the Bible Belt environment - something we are not familiar with in Britain. Your writing flows well, and dialogue is definitely one of your strengths. Technically, I found nothing to criticise, and I very much liked some of your images, like 'The cold night air was like a slap in the face'. I can find little to fault, and think this story will develop into an exciting thriller. Good luck with it. ]]> Vicky Twead Find a Writer 2009-05-25 19:56:28 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/673-tristans-adventures-in-the-cave I liked this very much. The sentences are clear and easy to read, and you vary the structure and lengths which helps the pace. You start off with plenty of action which is a good hook for young and old. I liked Tristan, his character was attractive and both his thoughts and actions were totally what one would expect from a child. I think you understand kids, and that shows in your writing. Your writing has an old-fashioned feel to it, and I tried to work out exactly why that was. I came to the conclusion that it might be because of the lack of dialogue. (I believe Harry Potter is about 70% dialogue!) You have used inner dialogue, T's thoughts, which helps, but otherwise, the writing is not broken up much until Chapter 4. I couldn't help wishing that T had a companion right from the start, so that they could bounce off each other, but I understand that would mean a massive re-write. I am an ex-teacher and would welcome this book into my classroom. It is nicely written and flows well. I wish you the best of luck with it. ]]> Vicky Twead Find a Writer 2009-05-25 18:15:52 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/647-iced-buns-in-bangkok First of all, great title, and loving both iced buns and Bangkok (not necessarily in that order) made me choose this book in particular to read. I enjoyed the prologue as it did exactly what a prologue should do; it whetted my curiosity and made me want to read on. Who is this 24 year old dog-owning smoker who wants to watch an old lady eat a bun? ('She settles her old frame on the bench.' I'm assuming that means her old body? Or is it a younger person carrying some kind of old frame?) And who is the watcher? But most importantly, who exactly is Tom? I shall carry on reading and find out. Chapter 1 and I'm catapulted into another world. I liked 'his body was a CV.' There is plenty of interest, plenty going on, but I still felt I hadn't got to know Tom any better. I'd perhaps like a little more description as well; there is plenty of opportunity for it. Chapter 2, and I'm getting into the swing of it. I enjoyed the interchanges between the protag and Alexsei, and the characters came to life as there is more warmth and humour in the writing now. In my humble, unprofessional opinion, I felt that the writing could be tightened up. There are punctuation mistakes (eg Polish, not polish,etc,) and the indenting is strange, but these are all easily fixed. Writing in the present tense is very difficult, and I think you have done well with it. The subject matter is very interesting and I hope we see more of Alexsei. This shows promise and I wish you well with it. ]]> Vicky Twead Find a Writer 2009-05-25 17:39:34 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/647-iced-buns-in-bangkok I'm not a pro, but you had me hooked. Sentence structure a little awkward once in a while but I care whether you lived through this adventure. A story worth telling. ]]> Georgia Gail Loyd Find a Writer 2009-05-14 13:51:25 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/673-tristans-adventures-in-the-cave Having worked with young children I was fascinated to read this story and can recognise a lot of youngsters I've encountered in the three children. The author has changed her style considerably in the rewritten first chapter and the whole feel of this is different to the rest of the work. I have rated the writing style and pace on chapter one only but the rest of the review relates to the full text. Tristan is a very believable character and is rounding out nicely during the story. He is, perhaps, a little cerebral in the cave but his fearlessness going through the squeeze and in the darkness is something I have seen for myself, children go at these things like rats up a drainpipe! Sebastian is very well observed and for me his logic is priceless. The research that has gone into this portrayal is obvious and the possibilities of the relationship almost endless. I look forward to introducing the edited work to my children. Some more thought needs to be given to the title. It explains the story and gives scope to expand the book into a series but somehow it seems a little old fashioned. I wish I could offer some help on that point, maybe somebody else will. Overall an interesting piece of writing which should appeal to the target age group. ]]> Marion Cox Find a Writer 2009-04-23 21:09:12 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/647-iced-buns-in-bangkok Here are my thoughts, I hope they are useful. The things I liked Title – It’s funny, quirky and shows it is a travel type book. Do you end up in Thailand? If so, fantastic as the title starts and ends the book – if that makes sense. I liked the idea of the prologue, show us your ‘ordinary’ world before the leap into traveling and I liked the last paragraph in particular. You don’t give too much away and let the reader work it out for themselves. I really liked Sasha’s dialogue, I think you covey his accent cleverly, with a light touch using well-observed sentence structure, rather than laying it on with a trowel. I liked your convo with Alexsei about what he does. It seemed very real. And was good way to let us get to know you a bit. I also liked the way you jump backward and forward in time without disrupting your story. I like reading things that do this, as long as they do it well. You do visual descriptions well, for example ‘Behind the splendour of its show-piece attractions, St Petersburg sags with wear. Its pastel buildings are sick with decay and the smog bleaches them from the foot-up. Massive advertising boards cling to once magnificent stone buildings, shrouded by thick walls of smoke.’ However, I’d like more smells, tastes, sensations, noises etc. For example when you say, “…shivering through the city.’ It really made it real for me again. What did the greasy chicken smell like? What about the noises on the train? Possible improvements (from my point of view) I think some bits could do with cutting/editing. Some of the sentences seem overly formal in their choice of words and structure - I am vs I’m, cannot vs can’t, ‘entering a home’, ‘replete with a quilt and pillow.’ Entering and Replete – quite formal. Also sometimes you put too much info in which slows the pace. For example ‘The problem is each person I ask points to a different one.’ You don’t need the problem is. It is obviously a problem, and if you leave things for the readers to work out (as in the prologue) you make them feel clever. If you spell things out too much it makes them feel dumb. It all is a bit grim for me. Words like plod, sludge, disheveled, relentless, monotonous, etc. dominate and the descriptions of grimness are very real. However, the moments of light seemed described at arms length. Like the meal with Alexsei (which sounded like it was quite nice?) Or when you said you were getting on with the guys in the carriage better than some friends in the UK, I was surprised as I hadn’t picked up it from your earlier description. I want more of an idea that you were enjoying it in the description rather than telling me you enjoyed it at the end. Overall a great start, and if you can tighten it up in places and give us a bit more of the good stuff I think it has lots of potential. Good luck with it all. ]]> Jen Wight Find a Writer 2009-04-22 01:09:39 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/673-tristans-adventures-in-the-cave Having now read the revised Chapter One, I feel that this is much better than the original -the introduction of Megan really lifts it and changes the pace. It makes it more real as no doubt many small boys have older sisters and will be able to relate to this. It also begins a thread of a story in which Megan might feature. There's still quite a lot of Tristan's internal thought process but it's now interspersed with dialogue and the idea of Tristan recognising the difference between fact and fantasy. There is a fast pace which is broken by Megan's appearance, a moment of reality in the adventure, and that's good as it changes the pace and we don't get tired of it all being about Tristan. It's more 3-dimentional. Also, the image of Megan in the pink dress was really strong and I wonder if more colour and visual images like this are needed for this age group. I still wonder if the title could be more captivating. However, it's really good to see someone take on board the comments given by other people and make such headway. This is what the process is all about. ]]> Vanda Inman Find a Writer 2009-04-21 18:53:29 http://www.thewritingcentre.co.uk/find-a-writer/589-slip-knot You've clearly done a lot of research into the setting for this. I can get a really good mental picture of the locations in the Scilly Isles and I like the way you've used this idyllic setting to juxtapose the mental anguish that the protagonist is going through. The narrative moves along at a cracking pace and there is a great sense of suspense at key moments. As already mentioned though there are a few moments where the grammar lets the imagery down - but nothing that a good edit wouldn't be able to fix fairly quickly. All in all, a cracking read. ]]> Miles Taylor Find a Writer 2009-04-16 11:13:30